It is not an easy story to tell, it’s a bit hard for me to put out, as you will soon read. But it is something I need to do.
Hello, I’m Shivani, about some time ago, I experienced the most profound loss in my entire life and that was the death of my best friend, I miss him every single day, and I think about all the things he should be here for that he’s just not. And this kind of grief is not something I ever expected to go through this young and even with the incredible love and support of my family and all my friends sometimes I feel impossibly lonely without him. But the reason I’m writing this blog is that anything that brought me comfort and still brings me comfort is connecting with people who've gone through something similar. And I hate that someone has to go through something similar, but talking about it still brings me strength and a lot of comforts.
My friend must have gone through something that I don't even think I can explain but must be really bad that he chose to stop the battle and ended his life. A decision that halted a lot of things around me that day. I can’t quantify how much I’ve been through and how much anybody else knowing him might have been through. And how much people who experienced something similar must be going through. I was weakened by the grief I was experiencing, it was hard for me to sleep for days. I tossed and turned at night unable to stop thinking about how much I missed him. During the day I felt waves of sadness where all I could do was cry and wish that it was all a bad dream.
My journey with grieving while sad was healthy, I slowly started to share what I was going through, somehow I managed to find the words to talk about him. My best friends patiently listened to my concerns and provided a reliable sense of comfort, thus I found healthy ways to cope with pain. Slowly in this process, I knew I will always have the hole in my heart for him, the wound around that hole that was so tender that time, would heal as I find ways to do so. I will never stop missing him.
“The hope in grief is knowing I'll be okay, even as I miss you every day.”
Mental illness is not widely understood, you’re allowed to feel pain and like my best friend, to be tired of fighting mental illness, but you’re not allowed to give up. We’re all the authors of our lives, and instead of ending your sentence with a period(.) choose to do so with a semicolon(;)
Breathe, pause, regroup and then seize another day. You’ve gotten through every day before this and you’ll go through the next. Work on yourself constantly. Just fight through it. Just push yourself to see how long you can ride it out. Thoughts can be your best friends and worst enemies.
Learn to appreciate small things, find happiness in them. Find your “Safe people” people whom you’re comfortable with, know that they love and care for you a lot, even if you don’t feel that sometimes, just know they’re there. God is there, Universe is there for you always, I believe God, he only puts you through things he thinks you’re capable enough to get through. So take it as a challenge, because that’s life, it’s meant to be hard sometimes, just hope that good things will fall your way too and there will be a next bright sunny morning, and this too shall pass. :)
Your life is yours, not anyone else’s and life is beautiful, just live the way you want. Be your own Star.
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